The Official Journal of Amory Blaine
by SwimmingBookworm
Summary: Amory's perspective through This Side of Paradise Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN
1. Chapter 1

The Journal of Amory Blaine from This Side of Paradise

I have decided to begin a journal to have a way to release my frustrations. My peers and classmates are on a completely different intellectual level as I, and though I pretend to be on the same level as they, clearly I am not. Days ago in history class I showed off, as I did in French class the day before. However unlike in French class, I was in a group my own age, so afterwards, I was immediately ridiculed and scorned. I must remember to act as the same level of the group around myself, or I shall be prone to this quite often.

I also have learned that one receives no recognition at all from one's peers unless one excels at athletics. After I realized this piece of information, I made an effort to excel at some of the winter sporting events. By this I mean skating on the ice every afternoon, and practicing until the day arrives that I will be able to skate with a hockey stick. I shall also have to prepare for the spring and summer sporting events as well.

Now that I have written of my struggles of the past, I shall tell you my current dilemma. I was invited to a bobbing party, that was said on the Thursday of December the seventeenth and I decided to arrive as my mother would suggest. I had it all planned out. I would enter and cross the floor to Mrs. St. Claire and apologize for being so late and pay a complement of which included her daughter. Then I would give her a slight bow and join the rest of the gathering as seen fit. I arrived a half of an hour late, as mother preferred, and to my unknown horror, the party had left! Miss Myra St. Claire, the one who invited me, was said to be still waiting! Oh how dreadful! Thankfully I was informed that there was a chance of arriving to the Minnehaha Club before the rest of the group, so I was aware that I did indeed have a chance to regain my, at present, lost attitude.

Miss Myra and I had a talk in the automobile on the way there and I realized that if I was left unsupervised with her much longer, I would be able to kiss her. When we arrived I was seated in the parlor alone with Myra, and I managed to be able to kiss her. However after I did kiss her, I felt a sense of repulsion, and loathed myself for kissing her in the first place. I also had the odd wish never to see Myra again or kiss a girl ever again. Of course after realizing this, Myra asked for another kiss, and after I refused vehemently, she threatened to tell her mother. Then to make matters worse, her mother walked through the door. I waited for Myra to tell, but she said nothing of the sort. Instead we joined the rest of the party as if nothing had occurred between us. I have yet to see Myra again, and I hope that I do not.

From these experiences I have grown wise. I know now that I must act as my peers would in the same situation. I must also try more in athletics if I wish to be acknowledged, and I must learn how to deal with girls. I hope I do learn how to soon so that I may use my knowledge to my full extent.

Cordially,

Amory


	2. Chapter 2

I have forsaken several years of knowledge in this book, for after writing my last entry, I realized that each time I wrote it would take away from the time spent in preparation for athletics. My preparation has paid off, as I am now on the St. Regis football team. I am both the youngest and lightest participant on the team, and I am a good as a player as ever. I am currently attending the St. Regis preparatory school.

I had to arrive at school earlier than others to take examinations, but after they were concluded, I went up the Hudson River as Beatrice suggested to, visit a friend of hers. His name is Monsignor Darcy. He sounded interesting even before I met him, as he had written two books, one before he was converted into Catholicism, and one after. The book written before spoke strongly against Catholics and was filled with many jibes against it. The book written after was where he attempted to turn said jibes into clever innuendoes against Episcopalians. Though he was a clergyman, I felt a strong connection towards him, and he felt the same as I on many subjects. We talked together on many subjects agreeing on most including colleges and my wish to become a Princetonian, and of other school subjects. The Monsignor is a very interesting fellow and I do hope to have the pleasure of conversing with him again.

From this school I have learned many things already. One is to have a gentlemanly sense of bravery, for I was disinclined to fight a boy of my own size, and was ridiculed and mocked for it. However to make up for it I engaged in a fight with a boy much larger than myself, and though I emerged beaten physically, my pride couldn't have been stronger.

There are many figures in the school who believe themselves to be much higher than I and try to control my behavior and what I choose to do. They request me to do things in their own specific ways and mannerisms, but I do believe that my ways are just as good, and perhaps even better, so I choose to ignore them and do what I would have done in the first place. I also choose not to do much of my work for the same basic reasons; I find it demeaning to adhere to such common customs. I started to become quite cold, until I realized that I was isolating myself, and soon none would dare to approach me. I quickly found some friends. To them they might see me as a close friend and confident, but as they are not among the acknowledged in the school, so I only use them to practice my various faces of appearance, so to see which is taken the most cordially.

Even though I am not praised by my peers yet, I have indeed gained the praise of several others in this establishment. As I said before I am both the lightest and youngest of those on the football squad. Also last week, the elderly housekeeper said that I was the best looking boy she had seen or had yet to see. Then Doctor Dougall said that I could get the best grades of all those here. I do not want to exert the effort to try, but knowing that I could reassures me. This is only my first term though and I vow that I will become acknowledged by my fellow peers as one of the best if not the best.

Cordially

Amory


	3. Chapter 3

I confess that it has been far too long since I have written last. I have indeed fulfilled my wish and am currently within the Princetonian walls. I am currently not in my first or second years, but rather my last and I must say that I quite enjoyed college. When I first arrived, I made acquaintances with Kerry and Burne Holiday, and later Jesse, Alec, and Tom. We soon became friends, and remained so.

I spoke to Monsignor Darcy many more times and I feel as if I have found a kindred spirit with him and myself. He claims that I am quite like him, and though I have no patience for religion now, I will eventually be quite like him and embrace it later on in life. I however am not so sure. I hope to be quite like him when I reach his age, but only in the aspect of which he leaves a one of a kind impression on people.

Burne is a very interesting fellow. At first I did not have much of an acquaintance with him, but rather his brother Kerry, and Burne usually followed Kerry ambitions, but a while ago he started a big thing and had about two thirds of the junior class leave their clubs. In the beginning I had much doubt of him as he was always following his brother's ambitions, and blending in with the shadows. Now he is strong minded, and he has created many theories on vast subjects, that can win any debate with the most hardened opponent. He, I fully admit, is the first contemporary I have ever met that is my superior in mental capacity.

I did fall in love with two women, the first Isabelle, and the second Clara. Isabelle was a silly foolish girl that was able to keep my attention and affection for a while, but she soon bored me and I fell out of love almost as quickly as I fell in. Clara was a widower, who was poor and had children, but she was a quite remarkable women, who was incredibly clever and I told her how I felt, but she then in turn revealed she had no intention of getting married again. She loved her children greatly and was content to take care of them.

I have not much to say of my college days, for much of it is small memories of different events that have occurred. The war is upon us, and I shall go forth to fight as will many of my friends and peers. Burne is a pacifist after thinking about it greatly, and has left the college for Philadelphia for whatever awaits him. I have gone through much training and am ready to fight. I go overseas in several months so it will be quite a while until I write next.

Cordially

Amory


	4. Chapter 4

I have read my past three entries, and though I have not every written much, often, or constantly, I know that I most likely shall not write again. Reading them was like looking into a different world, perhaps another person, or persons lives. Since my last entry I have done much, but my journeys are far from over. I have fought in a war and lived, loved, and lost. My last entry reminded of my foolish Isabelle, and clever Clara of many years ago. They then were replaced with Rosalind who I have loved and still do love like no other. She was disinclined to marry me due to my fortune or rather, lack thereof. She married someone who is kind and compassionate, one who has promised that she would learn to love him. She always will love me she says, but she is mine no longer. Then came the sad Eleanor. She was one like no other and though she was saddened at the world and angry towards its inhabitants, she had a mind and was able to really see everything quite clearly.

That is enough of my past loves, as I wish to remember them not. I did indeed graduate from Princeton, and went to fight in the war afterwards. Both Kerry and Jesse were claimed by the war and somewhere the world has swallowed up Burne. Beatrice died just before the war and left me with little. Also the Monsignor passed away which was very disheartening. I dabbled in advertisement for a while until the frustration that I spent thousands to obtain an education only to earn thirty-five dollars a week. Those who had worked five years only earned fifteen, so I knew I had no future in such an occupation so I calmly quit. It also did not help that Rosalind left days earlier.

Looking back, I do not wish to be where I was before I lost my youth, but instead during my first three entries, where I was losing it. More simply it is like a dish of candy. After eating, upon the unpleasant bloated feeling, one does not wish to be at the time before one ate the candy but instead eating and enjoying each piece.

As someone who is reading this can tell I have learned much through the years. One thing is that many in the middle class who are opinionated are very hypocritical. They complain about such things as the brutality of the Prussians, and in the next minute are speaking of exterminating the entire German race. I discussed such things with, who I found out to be, Mr. Ferrenby, Jesse's father. I also explained the cycle that we happen to be setting up. We do not want to pay the uneducated, but in turn, they cannot get a good education for their own children. This creates a cycle that cannot be broken until we give a better chance for an education for everyone.

I am at present not especially well financially. But as I wander around with decreasing money, I think much more than I ever have. I will share my ideas with all who wish to hear them, and though I will eventually get a job, for now I am content with wandering and thinking. The ride I have received from a quiet gentleman is now over and I must stop writing now. I only have time for a parting phrase: I know myself but that is all. Goodbye.

Sincerely

Amory Blaine


End file.
